"I Missed You So Much"

 I remember meeting her first

Clearly when I was four or five

She arrived every year till May from March and always in time.

‘Ma’ greeted her warmly within our premises of home

Treated her lovingly and kept her with gratitude

Moments before she left she filled our home with fruits

And said lovingly, “Do expect me next year, dude”.

I grew up slowly

Left the village and came to town

Left the home and bought the ‘flat’-my only crown

Very busy I am

From day to night

For those ‘colourful papers’ are now my only strive.

But, she arrives still

Every year till May from March

Waits for me to welcome her

But I am very busy still.

So I slam the door on her face

And don’t even turn around to see

Whether she is O.K?

For the greed of those ‘colourful papers’ are now my only strive.

Today I am retired,

Jailed within this ’four by four’ home of mine.

I owe today plenty of ‘time’

But ‘my own people’ are all elope from mine

Into their life those ‘colourful papers’ have now found its way

I sit alone the whole day long

And sometimes the ’stupid box’ speaks along.

Suddenly she arrives

Right on time again

Waits for me, to open the flat’s gateway.

I open my door to let her in

She seems to me the same beauty queen

Her green saree added to her glow

Years later, shrine beauty of her hadn’t aged up though

It made me remember my childhood days

I ride back to my village home again

Passing through the mudded route

My home my sweet home I see

My mother warm hug is awaiting me

I can see my mother shouting aloud,

 “Ohh my sweet boy, come to my couch”.

Rain started falling from my long trodden deserted eyes

I cannot do anything but only wait by

They flowed ruthless without any end

As if they said to me,” You have long made us stand”.

Among the tears I saw a sweet ‘pink’ child

Peep through her saree and startled mine

 “Hey sweetheart did you miss me so much?” was child’s question to mine

Seeing thy Nature’s beauty I could do nothing but be only surprised  

The child is mocking me, “Hey you betrayed my mother for years”

“So now you are in tears”

The calm blowing wind found it’s way through my windows

Saying, “Don’t cry don’t cry I am here”

Instead of stopping they flooded me though

Since they have waited long for this day to flow

But there is no one to see me

For those ‘colourful papers’ are now their only strive

I bent on my knees to touch the child

And gasped hard and said, “Ohh please forgive me now”

 “And really, Spring I missed you so much”.

My Time

Some lines written by me on my best life partner which started it's tick-tick from the moment I was born and shall end for me at the moment I shall close my eyes for ever.

When I look back in my past,

There are many wills that didn’t last.

Many wishes which weren’t fulfilled,

And many wounds that are yet to be healed.

Crippled inside me my soul wishes to row,

Back to the time to reap off the hurtful sows.

But hey, moments later I realize;

There are thousands stones ahead,

And I need to rise.

So shredding off my gusty feelings of the past,

I clean off the rust & the fallen dust.

For I realize if I don’t act now,

I should know – That even this very present of mine has past.

Joyeeta Talukdar

13.03.2016

New is Born

I can never be the same,
No matter how hard I try.
For the lost moments shall never be regained.
The more I try the more I lose;
Just as the, once broken feathers cannot be retained.
But “Yes” they can be replaced though
With new wings of “HOPE” which shall help me flow
Through the tedious times which are yet to come
For, “A New Is Born Only When the Old Is Gone”

Joyeeta Talukdar

SANDY’S Search for “PRABHAS-Her Bahubali”

Sometimes some dreams are so alive like beautiful memories that you want them shared with people. This one is about my bestie S. Sandhya (Sandy's) infatuation over the renowned South Indian Tollywood actor Prabhas Raju.This post is just about her thought of portrait for her dream man which might be similar to the dream of many thousands girls alike her. Hope I am able to portrait it according to her feelings without hurting anybody's emotions.

It was around 2 a.m on January 1, 2015.  

The whole world was making merry but we both chose to just stay off from the hustle & bustle to enjoy the serenity of nature at Yumthang Valley, Sikkim between the mountains and snow. We both trekked all day long and to shred off our tiredness we uncorked a bottle of red wine. In between our sips from our glasses on the shaded roof-top and, discussing about the coming year which had already crossed our door-step, we saw the platters of snow falling slowly on the floor. But, then, after some moment we both sat in silence just enjoying the beauty of nature. Suddenly Sandy held my hands and said, “I am losing him”. I was amazed and asked her, “Who?” She reoccupied her seat on the couch in front of me, grabbed her wine glass and murmured, “Prabhas”. Instead of getting excited relaxed on my couch, I took a sip from the glass and   started surfing though my laptop. After searching for about five minutes, I downloaded a photo of Prabhas and turned the laptop towards her saying, “See, your Prabhas in this photo”. Sandy slided from her couch to sit on the floor and without looking towards the image she answered, “I don’t want him”. Thinking that she has gone nuts I mimicked her and joined her on the floor, saying, “Youuuuu don’t want him, then whom do you want mannnn?” Sandy paused for few seconds and looked towards the downloaded image, “He is Darling Prabhas. He isn’t my real Prabhas”. I changed the image but she was adamant, “This is Mr Perfect Prabhas”. I was losing my patience because my thought was that it must be the wine effect making Sandy hallucinating But then she answered, “I am searching for the real Prabhas not “Prabhas- the Young Rebel Star”. I answered, “So, here is he the real Prabhas”. Sandy denied, “No, these are the various characters played by him, where is the real one?” I said, “How could you just get the one damn?” She murmured again, “I wish I could”.
 

Being from North-east I was always acquainted with both Hollywood and Bollywood movies.

 As I grew up and went for my grads where Sandy became one of my friends, I was introduced to “Prabhas” photo on social network as being Sandy’s boy-friend. This was the truth I believed for almost 4 years. During my post-grads when Sandy became my path-partner that was the first time when I came to know that “Prabhas” was actually one of South-Indian Tollywood actors. I still remember Sandy forced me to watch his film “Ragavendra” for seven times and she never really liked how I criticize him. Of-course, after that I watched almost all movies of him with Sandy playing my great interpreter.

It has been almost 10 years of friendship between us and I have seen different shades of Sandy’s emotions. But, I guess this was one of the most intimate emotions which she intended to keep as secret. Her love for ‘Prabhas’ and the most important part was she knew she won’t be able to get him. Without disturbing the flow of her emotions I opened another wine bottle & poured in her glass. 

Sandy continued, “You know Joyee I kinda know the truth that Prabhas can never really be mine but I wish he could have been mine.” She paused again and said, “If he would not have been a star I wish”. I gestured as a sign of agreement. She continued, “It has been almost 12 years that I searched for him everywhere but alas haven’t found him yet”. I responded, “Yes, during our Post-grads, we had engaged all the guys of our class who hardly knew anything about Prabhas to search for him in every social network.” Sandy added, “Do you remember Joyee how we both had gone to Hyderabad to search for him without a clue at all.” I punched her hard on her left arm and said, “How can I not remember damn. We waited for him in-front of a big house which some stranger said to be his house? We both were starving and it was damn cold on that December 25 in 2012.” She looked towards me and suddenly we broke into heavy laughter. It was one of the most unforgettable adventurous memories of our life. Suddenly she stopped and said, “My madness for him engulfed every one of my friends. Guess, I am having a disturbing effect.” By this time I came to know the magic of wine was working. Embracing her, I replied, “No, my heroine we all are friends. Friends do anything for friendship &&&& you know our gang is the Coolest gang right. We think different &&&&” Sandy added, “We do different things to achieve the awesomeness”.

Sandy continued, “Hell, Joyee if I could have met him once.” I said, “Of course, you can meet him and it’s not impossible”. Sandy looked towards me and said, “Not, like a star but a normal person. I mean, a boy next door who has a care free life. I mean, doesn’t he feel obsessed by wearing the mask of stardom every day. Every morning, he has to wear the mask and run throughout the day, not getting the time to peel it off at night”. I said, “Who knows he might enjoy his stardom”. She replied, “Might be he not”. I was stunned and asked, “Why? And, howww do you know, darling?” Sandy said, “Why because his eyes seem to reflect it and how it is. I can feel it.” Sandy took a pause, “I find him to be a paradox who is neither happy nor sad. He smiles at pretty things and laughs at funny incidents but somewhere at night, he might become a mess of emotions and prays that he might disappear somewhere.” 

I just kept quiet and looked towards her who was staring somewhere in an unknown horizon and thought, “I had never seen this emotion of Sandy. Was it love or just hallucination? Unlike other fans of Prabhas I had never saw her pasting poster of him in her room or keeping his photos cuddled in her books. Neither did she fantasize herself like other crazy fans writing posts on his social media page but yet she had a soft corner for him in the heart. She used to criticize his works when she found it not satisfying. During this journey of 10 years of friendship, many guys asked her out but she turned out every single proposal not because she didn’t like them but because might be she found them in-compatible to the man of her dreams “Prabhas”.


There was a rush of adrenaline running through my nerves because I thought Sandy was caught in her imaginary which she may never overcome. I got up and touched her shoulders, asking quietly, “Hey, what will you do if he gets married?” She remained silent for some time and turned towards me. Shrugging her shoulders, she responded, “What shall I do? He will lose me. I will have some one better than him.” Saying so, she placed her hands around me and gave me a tight embrace.We laughed so hard that our bellies burst out. I was relieved that she is still real.

I freed myself from the embrace and asked,” Ifff you know you cannot meet him then why did you say that you are losing him?” Sandy took a sip from her glass of wine and answered, “See, his next film Bahubali will be released worldwide and most probably in Hindi, so his fan base will double. He shall now be a worldwide famous personality not only among the South Indian community but on the national level, so, probably he shall never know that somewhere a girl from Assam fantasized about him. Hence, I will be lost among the millions of the fans somewhere.” She sighed.

 I tried to empathize with her nude feelings and brought Sandy back to our couches to pour more red wine in our glasses. We raised the toast together and Sandy screamed at the top of her voice, standing on her heels, “In the name of Prabhas”. I relaxed back and said, “Cheers. May his film Bahubali be a blockbuster hit.”

This was the first time probably that I wished something straight from heart for someone whom we both would never meet. 

Sandy responded, “Cheers”.

 Behind us Pink Floyd’s “High Hopes” raised its allocation through my laptop to welcome the New Year’s break of dawn and we saw the first ray of sun sliding through the Sunrise point of the Yumthang Valley.

 
It has almost been a year since this incident had taken place. Our wish for Bahubali had come true. It had been a mega-blockbuster. But, my heroine’s search for her fantasy continues still today in-between work breaks. She hasn’t been successful, yet. 

But, one thing I understood from this incident is that fantasies are somewhere necessary that makes ones feels too close to their loved ones. Ultimately though it might be left as a sweet un-accomplished dream yet its existence does helps one to survive through with a ray of hope that someday their dreams shall be turned into reality.